White Topaz Shadowed
by Artemisdesari
Summary: Bilbo is nowhere to be seen when they enter their uncle's office, that should be clue enough that whatever Thorin plans to discuss with them is serious. The hobbit is rarely far from the king's side these days, Balin is with Thorin and both of them look unhappy. Kili has a sinking feeling that he knows what, or who, this is about. Soul Stones part 5


Winter passes, as the seasons must, and Kili keeps himself as busy as he can. Those occupants of Lake Town most vulnerable to the cold and wet have been brought into the mountain at Fili's suggestion so there is plenty to be done. In exchange for the shelter Bard's people are helping where they can with the restorations, and it has progressed faster than they might have with only the remains of Dain's army to aid them. Kili spends his winter hunting and patrolling, activities which sometimes take him out of the mountain for two or three days at a time. Had they been in Ered Luin Fili would have been with him, Tir always says that the two of them are better together than apart. Kili isn't too proud to admit that his friend is right. Things always seem better with Fili at his side, as though Mahal had intended that they be born within minutes of each other instead of five years apart.

For all that Kili has _missed_ his brother while hunting and on patrol, he has also found that he has needed that distance. Fili's story had been almost too fantastic to believe and Kili had spent the whole thing waiting for his brother to grin and declare it all a joke. He had spent it waiting for Fili to admit that the battle had got the better of him as it has done everyone at some point or another.

There had been no smile, no glee at Kili's gullibility, no bright laugh that was all too infrequent _before_ they left on the quest and hardly exists now. Arja believes him, Kili knows, but she had her own encounter with Mahal (or so she claims) to back him up and is in possession of a large fire opal that hums with an energy that Kili has never felt before as proof. Fili, too, has a jewel full of that energy, a black diamond, a gem so rare that even after months of cataloguing the great treasury of Thror not a single one has been found in Erebor. Kili had barely been able to touch them, though Fili and Arja seem to hold them easily enough, the gems like searing ice on his skin that had made his hands hurt and ache as though the joints had become stiff, swollen and useless with age. Fili has his earring too, which Kili can see perfectly fine but his fingers slide through as though it exists only in his mind. Perhaps it does at that.

So, he has needed the space to think about Fili's story and the implications of it. One of the biggest of them, for Kili at least, is that as much as he had tried to convince himself of it, as right as it had seemed in the heat of the moment after coming so close to his death, he and Tauriel were not meant to be. Mahal clearly hadn't intended it and when he had pressed Fili further his brother had admitted that Durin and Yavanna had expressed concerns about it as well. Not that Fili has been able to do much to help his brother work things out. It had taken Arja a little less than a week of thought to decide to accept Fili's offer of courtship after hearing his tale and Thorin has been in a black mood about it ever since. Another reason to get out of the mountain, really, while his uncle, Dain and Balin discuss, at length, what is to be done about it. Kili has been ignoring the pit that opens in his stomach when he thinks about it. If Thorin can object so vociferously to Arja, who may not be wealthy or connected but she's at least a _dwarf_, how would he react if Kili announced that he was intending on courting Tauriel?

Which is exactly why he has spent four months putting off the subject. Erebor is almost empty again, the Men focussed on Dale now that the weather has improved. Dain's troops, those who will be returning to the Iron Hills in any case, are waiting until the first caravan arrives before they leave. Any day now his Amad will arrive and he will finally have someone he can talk to on the subject who won't spontaneously combust (Thorin), who hasn't been influenced by far older and more powerful sources (Fili), and doesn't have a multitude of duties and courtship problems of their own to worry about (Fili again). He has no idea what his mother might be able to do, but she has a way of seeing to the heart of a problem and fixing it. Much like Fili is learning how to do these days.

He's on the range today, something he set up himself given that archery has never been a priority among his people, having been told _not_ to leave the mountain until Thorin had spoken to him. Now that his uncle is ambulatory again pinning him down is almost impossible. He still has a limp, but that somehow seems to make him appear _more_ fierce rather than vulnerable as it would had it been Kili or Fili.

Fili comes to get him in the middle of the afternoon, as Kili is fletching several replacement arrows. It's delicate work, done wrong the arrow won't fly true and Fili knows it well enough to wait to announce himself until Kili sets the one he is working on to one side. If he's honest, it comes as a surprise that _Fili_ has been the one sent to fetch him. He has duties of his own after all, but his brother's concern is obvious and Kili follows quietly. It is a quiet that never used to come as naturally as it does now, and it is all too present these days. The quest has changed them both and Kili is almost afraid of what their mother will think. He fingers the scar that runs from temple to chin on the left side of his face, a permanent reminder to keep his guard up and look to himself before his brother in battle. Will she be disappointed that his face has been marred so?

Bilbo is nowhere to be seen when they enter their uncle's office, that should be clue enough that whatever Thorin plans to discuss with them is serious. The hobbit is rarely far from the king's side these days and Kili _knows_ he never sleeps in the chambers prepared for him. No one has asked and neither of them have announced anything, but it is an open secret that Bilbo and Thorin are involved.

Balin is with Thorin and both of them look unhappy. They either have bad news for _both_ of them, or they want the other there to support the one who is about to receive it. Kili has a sinking feeling that he knows what, or who, this is about. He exchanges a glance with Fili when Thorin instructs them to sit and in that moment all the distance that has grown between them in the last few months vanishes.

"I knew there would be a day when I had to have this conversation with one of you," Thorin sighs, "though I had dared to hope it would never come. And I am sorry that it has to be _you_, Kili, who will bear the brunt of it."

"This is about Tauriel, isn't it?" Kili asks, trying not to let his anger show. He knew this was coming after all, it was only a matter of time.

"Aye, lad, this is about the elf," Thorin pauses and Kili clenches his hands into fists at his side. "I know you have tender feelings for her, I know you have spent some time with her this winter."

"Never alone, Uncle," Kili assures him, "and never out of sight of others." This is a dig at Fili, who kicks him none too gently. His brother has been caught in more than one room with the door closed alone with Arja in the last few weeks.

"Small mercies, indeed. I cannot dictate your friends to you," Thorin's voice is firm, "but I cannot permit you to enter into a courtship with her."

"Why?" Kili demands, not denying that he has considered it because there is no point, Thorin always knows when he is lying. "Because she's an elf?"

"Among other things," Balin steps in. "Her being an elf would be problematic enough, especially given the objections we have already made to Fili's choice. Tauriel has no status, no power, no wealth. That said, even had she been a dwarf her position would still be lower than Arja's."

"That's ridiculous!" Kili exclaims. "How?"

"She's a traitor to her king," Thorin replies. "I am grateful to her, truly, for saving your life, but she turned her back on her king to do so. A king she served loyally for centuries. She turned from him for a dwarf she had known for a handful of weeks and spoken to less than that number of times. She drew her weapon on him with it looked like Thranduil was going to withdraw rather than fight." Kili had also heard that rumour. Tauriel had been shame faced when he had asked her about it, but there had been a defiance in her towards her actions as well. Shame and remorse, he knows, are not quite the same thing. "I cannot trust one such as that in this mountain, Kili. I cannot trust that if I make a decision that may put your life at risk, she will abide by it. How can I? What would she do if she disagreed? Would she threaten me? Would she threaten Fili if it were him?"

"She wouldn't do that," Kili insists, although he knows it sounds hollow. She owed so much to Thranduil and threw it away for _him_, he owes her something.

"I want to believe it, but I cannot trust it," Thorin says sadly. "More than that. Where would you live? She is an elf, born to live under trees and stars. You are a dwarf born of stone. Even in Ered Luin you were never truly housed under the sky."

"We lived on the road for months," Fili points out and Kili leans into him in silent thanks. Fili may not agree that Tauriel is Kili's One, but he is supportive, nonetheless.

"It's not the same as a lifetime. One that will be vastly shorter than hers. She would never be comfortable among our people, and she has no home with her own kind any longer. You would be vagabonds and curiosities. Love does not keep your belly full, Kili, nor a roof over your head."

"Politically it's a nightmare," Balin adds. "Fili's choice is difficult enough, but there are ways around it. Dain has agreed that Arja should be given a title in recognition for her services to the King of Durin's Folk. It's not perfect but it _will_ ease the way. With luck they will have children, but if they don't that will fall to _you,_ Kili, and our people would never accept a half elf on the throne. It would cause civil war. She's proven herself devoted to you, aye, but in doing so betrayed everyone she owed any loyalty to." Kili knew his family would have objections, but to have Balin and Thorin telling him them like this is somehow worse.

"Kili," Thorin leans forward, his face grave, "the rumours are already beginning. They say it is a sign of yet more madness in our line. They debate whether _I_ can rule and if Fili will be suitable as my heir. It puts us in danger, you, your brother and mother, Fili's intended and even your elf. If we are found wanting, we will be removed. We are not secure enough yet to prevent any attempts on our lives. We have won the mountain, but the cost was high, and a weakness exposed. There are those who will take advantage of that. We can salvage Fili's choice his courtship is already being accepted and celebrated because we have made it known that Fili and Arja have seen the heart of each other's soul. Even if we _could_ say the same for you and your elf, we doubt it would be accepted."

"What do you want me to do?" Kili asks, though he already knows the answer.

"End it, _now_, before it can go further," Balin says.

"If I don't?" He demands, there is no need for Balin and Thorin to know that he has been undecided on his course over the last few months. He needs to see what they will do.

"Then you will be asked to leave Erebor," Thorin replies, "and not permitted to return while I live." Kili collapses back as his breath leaves him in a shocked gasp.

"You would cast him from our home?" Fili rages. "Thorin that is _madness_!"

"Is it?" Thorin asks. "Balin, Dain and I have been going over this for _weeks_. We could find no other solution. We must be seen to be strong of body and sound of mind if we are to survive the next few years."

"And casting Kili aside would be _sound of mind_?" Fili snaps.

Kili gets to his feet, not wanting to listen to his uncle try to defend his decision and leaves the room to the sound of Fili angrily demanding his uncle rethink. Thorin has just proved that he loves Erebor more than he does Kili, though it shouldn't be the horrible surprise that it feels like. Still, Kili had, not so long ago, desired someone to help him work all of this out. It has been months and he still hasn't been able to decide if he wants to court Tauriel or not. What had seemed so simple on the shores of the lake after the death of Smaug has spiralled into something so much more complicated. His feelings, then, had been so strong and she had been so fascinating. Even so, the more time they have spent apart the more he has come to question it. What does he really know of her, after all? Are snatched conversations where he did most of the talking really a good basis for falling in love? He doesn't know the answers and he settles into his chair in his shared room to think it over.

Fili slams into their room not long after, his face dark with anger.

"I tried, Kili," he says. "I even went so far as to promise to break off my own courtship and marry whoever uncle wanted. He wouldn't relent." Which is something Kili suspects his brother is secretly glad of. "I don't know what else to do," Fili sighs.

"It's alright," Kili mutters, although it is anything but. "We knew something like this had to happen. It was too much to expect Thorin to be fine with it when even _Mahal_ wasn't." He rubs his hands over his face and leans back in his chair a little more. "I just can't believe those are my only two choices."

"We'll think of something," Fili assures him, but whatever else he might say is stopped by the door opening again. Both get to their feet to see who has dared to disturb them.

"Amad?" Kili breathes.

Their mother, travel stained and weary, stands in the door to their room. Her blue eyes are glittering with tears and her dark hair is in windswept disarray. Kili feels like his prayers have been answered. His mother is here and if anyone can make Thorin see reason and help him make sense out of the mess that his mind has become it is Dis.

"My boys," she says in her beautiful rich voice and they cling to her. Kili can feel his own tears and a glance is enough to tell him that his brother and mother are just as affected. Knowing what he now does, he is well aware that in another life this reunion never happened. It makes him cling all the harder to his mother, though the door is still open, and anyone might see.

"You found them," a soft voice says, and he hears a click as the door closes to allow them some privacy.

"Tir!" Kili exclaims, not entirely sure _why_ he's surprised to see the Firebeard 'dam here. Tir seems to go wherever his mother is these days, though she's only a few years younger than Kili. The three of them, he, Tir and Fili, have been close for much of their lives and he had half believed that she would marry Fili at one point. He has always been able to talk to Tir, especially about things that he might not want to discuss with his mother. Having her here might help him finally work out what he truly wants, and he _has_ missed her.

"I see they improved your face," Tir smiles. She is no less travel stained than his mother, and yet she still wears her rose quartz, diamond and green sapphire broach over her heart as she always has. Kili had thought that a journey such as this would be the thing to prompt her to remove it.

"Is it so terrible?" He grins, moving away from his mother to greet his friend. She reaches up to trace the scar and his skin tingles under her fingertips.

"Of course not," she replies, "you'll be chasing them off with an axe."

He pulls her to him, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her fiery hair. She feels just the way he remembered from that last night in Ered Luin before the quest. He hadn't realised just how _much_ he has missed his friend until she had stood in front of him.

"Kili," his brother mutters when the reunion is over, and they are showing their mother and Tir to rooms they can use. "What, _exactly_ were you and Tir up to the night before we left?"

"A dwarf doesn't kiss and tell," Kili replies loftily.

"No," Fili agrees, "he sparkles."

Kili trips over his own feet.

* * *

_**A.N: **__Before you all start baying for my blood, I thought about all of this for a while. I had a good chat with a few people about my thought process and this is what was born out of it. This is all born out of whatever my brain decides needs to be written in the moment that I type it. They are unpolished, apart from trying to correct any obvious spelling mistakes, and I'm just trying to clear out my brain so that I can sleep. I have many thoughts on Kiliel, mostly boiling down to "no" so in that sense this was inevitable._


End file.
